I'm currently on day 4 of this little retreat. He's working on my heart, opening my mind, and revealing Himself more and more. I needed to process, so i turn to my 'online journal' for such things as this.
From the past 3 months, i am walking away with a few things anchored more deeply in my heart.
-The faithfulness of God no matter where we are. His character is unchanging, spanning time and location.
-The absolutely importance of my relationship with Him first and foremost. Coming in second is the relationships we are building with the lost, the ones needing Jesus, discipleship and love. These two relationships also have no relevance to location, age, or any other factor i used to think matters.
-Our gifts are given by God, and expected to be used for His glory. To not use them, not acknowledge them or not even know them is hindering the work we could be doing for the Gospel. It's like getting a coffee maker for a birthday present and then never opening it. You don't seem to care what it is or how it could bless others!
-He doesn't (really) care about what we do in life. Sure, He has places and plans specifically for us, and it's our job as believers to be listening to the Spirit's leading (and following Him!), but when it comes down to it, just obey the Word.
During the past few days, my Father has continued to anchor these truths more firmly into my soul. I need it. I believe God tests us in things that He has previously taught us (God left him to test him and to know everything that was in his heart--2 Chronicles 32:31) and my good Lord knows i'm not quite ready to be tested (in the last two especially). He is stretching these truths out and growing them in me.
I have this obsession with trying to figure out my life. I love adventure and i love new things and i love learning. So when all four of those things come together, it can get pretty ugly. Ugly because i can spend hours daydreaming about where i'll go next and how i'll serve and who i'll marry and what i'll go to school for and the places i'll see and the kids i will meet and the languages i'll learn...and on...and on...and on...
And that's not what Jesus said to do. In fact, it's the opposite because He said don't worry about your life and don't worry about tomorrow (one definition of worry from Webster's 1828 dictionary: to harass by pursuit and barking). I am harassing my future because i'm constantly looking at it, scheduling it, tearing it apart, planning it, re-planning it, and re-re-planning it.
I arrived to my home January 29th with nothing scheduled in my life past getting a hot shower that night and babysitting for two days in February (all my siblings were desperate for date nights, apparently). So, based on the above paragraph, you can see why i came home from Brazil and assigned myself one week to be with the Lord, to give Him opportunity to speak, and frankly, to tell me what to do with my life. Even though He is commanding me to not worry about tomorrow or my future, i needed to hear His voice, full of wisdom and direction. I wanted to hear His voice. I longed to hear Him more deeply, fully, and i am trying to grasp the truth that when we expect things of God, He loves to fulfill them. This seemed like a perfect time to bring my expectation and lay it at His throne of grace.
The direction He has been giving began on the first day with Luke 10.
..where a woman named Matha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Mather was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, Mather," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken from her."
Martha started out well. She opened her home to Jesus. It says Martha specifically did, not Mary. Gold star for her! But then comes the distraction. She was so worried about getting stuff done (I'm assuming the meal--for Jesus!) that she dares to approach Jesus and tattle on her sister. Doing good things for Jesus distracted her...from Jesus. And how does He respond? By telling her she's missing out.
God took this scripture and turned it into a mirror, staring me in the face.
I want to do good things for Him. I really do! And i want to find out what exactly He wants me to do, so i can do it! But in my supposed anxiety to serve Him, to rescue orphans and to bring the Gospel to African tribes, am i brushing past God Himself? The God who created the world and every person in it? The God for whom i want to do all these things for?
Waiting for a flight to the States, a marvelous woman plopped herself down next to me in the airport and for over an hour, we shared life. We talked about everything from homeschooling, to missionary life, to how she met her husband. And one thing she left me with after i poured out my heart was pretty much Luke 10, customized for my life.
Don't let seeking His will distract you from seeking Him.
Oh dear sister, thank you. I hope someday i too can sit down next to dweeb-y little 20-somethings in foreign airports and pour out wisdom. May the Lord bless you.
With the above thoughts fresh in my mind, i roll into Day 2 and 3 of this time with God and he hammers a few more things in. I'm reading the Bible and praying to know Him more, but i still have my list titled 'Options for Life' that i'm mulling over and praying about, reminding God that by the end of my seven days, i'm kind of expecting to know where to step next...
And the verse on my mirror reads,
"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and i will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."
Yes, Lord! Yes, i am calling on you! I am praying to you! I am seeking you!
And He says...You will find me! When you seek me with all your heart.
Me, it says. "You will find me."
Jeremiah isn't proclaiming to the people to find God's plan for their lives, He's proclaiming that we find God. And whoa! Don't i want that so much more??? Yes. Wow. I can find God. I can find God when i seek Him with my whole heart. I can know more about Him. His character, His purposes, His everything.
I am attempting to read though some books in the Bible that i've subconsciously deemed less important, and they are stretching my mind and showing me more of the God that i serve. A lot of chapters i've read had a whole lot of killing and locusts and sin in them, so thank goodness for internet that helps my small brain grasp what is happening. But to wrap up, i'll end with some verses in Amos that need no explanation and remind me of the majesty of this unexplainable God that i am seeking..
"He who forms the mountains, creates the wind, and reveals his thoughts to man, he who turns dawn to darkness, and treads the high places of the earth---the Lord God Almighty is his name."
and
"He who builds his lofty palace in the heavens and sets its foundation on the earth, who calls for the waters of the sea and pours them over the face of the land---the Lord God Almighty is his name."
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