Traveling about.

(this took place my first week i was here, just wanted to write about it so i have documentation of my first true amazonian experience. :) ) 

Last time dad was down, he met a fantastic young man Lucas, his wife Ruthie and their adorable little girl. A few months ago, Lucas started visiting a small community outside of Santarem about once a week. Many people have come to know the Lord through him visiting and sharing the Gospel, so hallelujah for new brothers and sisters in the Lord! Dad wanted to spend some time with Lucas and so it seemed like a perfect idea for us to load up and make a trip to visit this community and make some new friends!
Dad, Matt, Luke, myself, and Lucas and his little family, loaded up in his boat, (which seemed to have some engine trouble, gulp) and set off for the 3 hour trip! It was my first time on the Amazon, and after hearing so many stories, I felt like I was watching the midnight premiere of a long-awaited film...

Matt, on the other hand, chose to take advantage of the pretty, purple hammock..

 

Since it hasn't rained for a few months, the river has gone way down. Instead of floating right up to where we were headed, we had to 'dock' a few miles away and call for someone to come get us. Twenty minutes later (they said seven...but as I keep getting told, time is kind of irrelevant sometimes :) ) our 'taxi' comes and we load up! Pretty tentatively...there was a leak or two, so we had to position our behinds just right to ensure no sinking and also for all of us to fit. 

The one thing i thought i was going to miss about home was being cozy...i shouldn't have been worried... i got the 'çozy' feeling on the canoe.

It was beautiful going to the community...this little canoe-boat thing zipped along so peacefully, gracefully dodging the extra-dry areas and making ripples in the otherwise completely still water. 

We arrived in the backyard of the boat-drivers house (I imagine he pays extra for such convenience!) and met his 23 chickens and kind wife. They were so eager to show us their home, so we hung around for a bit, enjoying the fast-coming sunset and letting Lucas do his thing of catching up and encouraging. The next half hour-40 minutes we made our way to a few more houses, meeting more smiling, welcoming faces. They abolutely love Lucas. Such a testimony of how showing interest in people leads to concern for their souls, which leads to life-long (eternity-long) friendship and love. 

We brought along little picture books with about 15 Bible stories written in Portuguese, so Lucas got to hand a few out. It made me smile--I've been reading from story books five times that size since before I can remember, and this is probably their first one. When they read some of those stories for the first time, I'm happy they'll have a little picture book to help imagine how big Goliath really was :)

Our last stop was the community building that is being used for weekly worship gatherings. Our new boat-driver-friend (pictured below) was the first one to get saved in the area, and also a well-respected leader in the community. This means that he gets to more-easily use the community building for Jesus-related activities! Yay! 

 The sun was leaving the horizon, so it was our turn to leave as well. We said our good-byes and made our way back on the winding path. It was so quiet, calm, peaceful. Seeing how little these people had, yet how much they had in Christ, filled my soul and heart up to the brim.

On our way back, i got to help Ruthie prepare a boat-dinner...we had rice, of course, but we spiced it up with throwing hot dogs, chicken, raisins, peppers, apples (and numerous other ingredients that i can't remember) in...as we were cutting and mixing, my taste buds definitely weren't watering, but it was surprisingly good! I even had seconds.

As the darkness came, the boat spotlight came out, and Luke had fun shining that all over the water ( and on every single boat we passed by, waking all the sleepy fisherman) When he wasn't helping Lucas drive the boat, he was translating for me and Ruthie, who climbed out on the front of the boat to star-gaze and feel the breeze. To get to the front, you had to inch your way up on a two-inch ledge, with a death grip on a teeny metal bar above your head, which was the only thing keeping you from the piranhas below...it was one of those things where you kinda say you're a little bit nervous maybe, but on the inside you are actually FREAKING OUT. I survived going out, and the real test came when Lucas had us barrel in as fast as we could, because we were passing the river police. My insides were screaming a little less, so i guess that's good).

We arrived safely back home (although dad had a bit of trouble getting out of the boat....splash, splash) with full bellies and happy hearts. On this thanksgiving day, i am truly thankful.

Adventures.

Before ever stepping onto brazilian soil (dirt? clay?) i pictured brazil with shiny green jungle leaves, dirty amazon water (with scary piranhas leaping above the waves) and lots of gorgeous people with colorful dresses dancing.  

This past weekend, i took a little trip that made the Brazil i saw in my head come to life (except for the piranhas, thank the Lord)! 

7AM friday morning, i boarded the balsa (ferry) with 5 lovely brazilian woman. There's a couple doing some evangalism/house church work at an community down the river, so we were heading there for the weekend do some dental/medical work.  After adventures of backing the huge stick-shift, hipster van up onto the balsa, we enjoyed a breakfast of fried delicious goodies and coffee that was out-of-this-world (because of how much sugar and cream it was loaded with, i discovered later). Three hours later, it was time for another adventure of getting this huge white van off the balsa. We had spent our time having a mix of English/Portuguese class! One of the girls was a Portuguese teacher that knew English semi-well and also some some tactics of how to teach language (repeat every word five times, etc).  So i felt fairly confident with a few key phrases (how old are you, what do you like to do, would you like some water, and a few more) so these plus, "Eu sou Americana. Eu falo um pouco de portuguese" made me feel ready to take on any Brazilian who wanted to know where i was from and if i spoke portuguese. :) 

We had a little drive ahead of us, so i enjoyed taking in the scenery and basking in the delight of bumping down dirt roads with all these Brazilians!  We stopped a few times to ask for directions and/or clarification, and each time, the direction-giver waved us down the road. So we kept trucking away! After about 30 minutes, we turned around and promptly drove almost all the way back to where we got off the balsa, and  pulled into a driveway where a family was waiting.  A week later, and i'm still unsure why the people kept waving us farther down the road, how we knew to suddenly turn around, and also how we found the house we were going to stay at! Even though i would love to know the answers to those questions, i'm happy that we arrived at the correct house in good time. :) 

The first thing on the agenda was to find good hammock locations among the trees in the backyard for where we would be sleeping. They told me the Americana got the best spot, and while that seemed to be true, i'm not sure i'll ever know if it was or not! We had some lunch and then settled in for our ritual afternoon nap. After an hour or so, we unloaded the van with all our supplies and began settling up.

I peeked around the corner of this little tent we constructed for the dental workers, and saw quite a few people sitting and standing around in the church (slab of cement with a roof) right across the yard.

There were about 20 kids and around 10-15 adults. Some had faces of excitement, some were looking a bit anxious. (how most of us feel getting ready for the dentist and we even know what's going to happen! I didn't ask, but i assume the majority of them, especially the little kids, hadn't had work done on their mouths before, or really any part of their body). I love kids. A lot, a lot. So i was getting ready to march over and start handing out hugs, when it hit me that i can't talk to them. I had no words of comfort to offer for the scared ones, and besides 'todo beim!(the main greeting here)!' i had no words of excitement to give. Right away i grabbed the leader of our team and asked if there were some games we could play games with the kids.

She responded as if it was a good idea, but then got up and left a few minutes later
(i assumed to do dentist stuff, because she was one of them).
After a few more agonizing minutes of peeking across the fence and silently wishing a big bucket labeled PORTUGUESE would dump its contents on me, i faced reality and made my way over. I stood between a group of small kiddos and a group of girls in their early teens. Smiling sheepishly, i stated that i was American and couldn't really speak portuguese.  Deep down, i think i kind of expected us to break out into hugs and laughter, so when the older kids backed away, and the younger ones seemed to run away, i plopped down on the cement thinking what a long weekend it was going to be. Thankfully, a few looong minutes later, my friend reappeared with a bag full of small toys and bracelets with little beads representing the Gospel on them.  Obviously, the little gifts warmed the kids right up, so after handing out toy cars, bouncy balls and the bracelets, we gathered them on the benches. I walked through the story of Jesus' life and how we can be redeemed, and Verena translated. We transitioned into playing catch and volleyball and the sorts. Before Verena left to go for her dentist duties, she helped me explain how to play "patoo, pattoo, gunsoo"(duck, duck, goose). :) We played that for the next seven hours (or so it seemed :) ), with all the parents and grandparents looking on with delight!

The evening was filled with a time of worship (cue all the dancing and clapping, totally up my alley, even if i didn't know what i was singing) and one of the men helping to disciple the community shared a little message. 

We all hopped in bed (rolled into our hammocks) for the night and slept like babies (the kind that wake up when mosquitoes buzz in their ears and when four dogs are having a barking and growling contest. The 'best spot for the american' was also the spot that the outside light shone the brightest on too, it seemed ;) ) 

But with sweet, sweet coffee and early morning bread and butter, we were ready for day two! 

I decided to stay behind the dentist curtain in the morning to just check it out and to be there if i needed to retrive tools or anything. The second patient needed a hand to hold (or so he claimed...he was a little older boy, so i'm adding that to my list of things i may never know for sure, haha). He was having a tooth pulled, so i gladly watched....for a few minutes. When Verana injected more numbing solution, i started to get a little hot...and it wasn't from the 90-some degree weather. Things started to get spotty, and i silently begged God to take it away because when that feeling comes, i know from past experience there's entirely nothing i can do! I really didn't want to cause any setbacks and i didn't want to leave this poor kid right when he was in so much pain. After a few more seconds, i had to plop down though because the fainting was coming and it was coming fast! So i plopped down, got it together after a few minutes and then assumed my position of comforter and not observer this time. Buuut the feeling came flooding back, so i marched myself back to the house and got some water, thanking Jesus that He's made it clear that my calling is not anything medical. So thankful to watch the other girls serve the people in that way though. They do trips like this often, and it was amazing to see how they spent their free time. A little bit different than the shopping and Six Flags trips i plan on my weekends off..

Back to the kids i went! 

We had another day full of "pato, pato" and i tried to incorporate some new games, but there's only so much you can explain without words. :) I had about a half hour of complete sadness and dejection because the little ones would look up at me and ask something with hopeful eyes and the older pre-teen girls tried to ask some questions beyond 'what is your name' and 'how old are you' and i was so upset that i was missing such an awesome opportunity to talk with them and build that relationship.

After pouting for a little while, i kicked myself for being a baby and dug out my portuguese dictionary to at least be able to point out words and provide entertainment when i would totally butcher the words! It was truly a blessed time to say little phrases and watch them run three-legged races and proudly hand me the pictures they colored when we had a little art time. My heart was full. 

There are all sorts of yummy fruits down here, and most of them are unidentifable (by me at least). This one we enjoyed lounging on our hammocks, and ate the skin and seeds as well as the actual fruit part. Delish! (even with our dirty hands). 

Saturday night there was another night of worship and a message, but our little team decided to go jump in a nearby water hole to cool off instead! After swimming and dinner, three of us gathered around the table and hashed out life. It was like a giant game of Catch Phrase, where you would do a whole bunch of hand motions and one word to try and get them to figure out the word you actually wanted each other to know. :) Mostly dealing with boys and God and patience and life and marriage and worship. Similar to most conversations i've had in the States, so guess some things don't change when you cross countries! :) We cherished and celebrated every sentence we could share, which made it seem like we had been friends forever. The Body of Christ is wonderful. 

Rolling into our hammocks Saturday night, we slept much better because we all piled our hammocks inside, due to the thickness of the mosquitoes (turns out i wasn't the only one whining)! I truly did sleep like a baby that time (a baby that is happy and content and loved)!

Sunday looked pretty similar to Saturday except that we headed back to the ferry early afternoon, after many hugs and happy, heavy hearts! A moment of humor came when a girl that i thought was from the village actually loaded up in our van with us and then hopped on the balsa as well...she was actually part of our team, just had come a day early. Oh the things that go over your head when you get the amazing chance to love an Amazonian community with 6 brazilians. :)

Revelations.

Tonight, the camera didn't click too often.  In fact, what you see is what i have.  I normally would be quite disheartened at this, for i find so much enjoyment in documenting an event through my lens.  Pictures tell so many stories and i absolutely adore it. But tonight, things were clicking in my mind and heart instead of in my hand..

Here they are.  My apartment 228 girls.  The first roommates the Lord brought to me, which He did in such a crazyneat way.
My heart is warm.
This 'fancy' dinner idea sprouted from reading a delightful little book, Bread and Wine.  The author's whole point of the book is to help one discover how sharing a meal can be one of the best, intimate ways to share hearts and lives.
My sweet roommates and I discovered how true this is.
We just talked. For hours. We poked fun of each other and we giggled at old memories. We passed plates and nibbled at bacon-wrapped figs even after they were cold and opened another wine bottle when we sipped away the first.  It was so real.  A time of getting to share the wonderful joys of current life, even if they are small, to people that were actually truly eager to listen. A time of opening up the inside messes, even when we did't want to, because it would've been easier to give cliche answers instead of bringing forth the truth.  Because when you share the truth, when we share how life really is, how we honestly feel when we're going to bed at night, or the thoughts that run through our minds when we're happy or lonely or confused...when we share those things over the table, with the common bond of love and sustenance in between us...that's when friendship really forms.  That's when it clicks. This, this right here is community. This is doing life together.  This is how the disciples felt when they got together and broke bread and prayed and celebrated Jesus.  This is truly being present.  This is what it feels like to be. 

My Mama.

Today, I cried.

A lot, a lot, a lot.  There's been about five or so of these kind of cries since my mama went to heaven. The kind where your body kind of goes into auto mode. An automatic-cry mode, where your body just pushes out convulsive sobs like that's its job.  Where you feel like you will never ever not cry and the whole world just stops and all you can think is, "I just want to die. I want to die right now because I am never going to be okay and it's never going to not hurt. Jesus, please come back and take me Home because this pain isn't fun and this world absolutely, positively sucks. It's just horrible. I think i am going to die." 

Even as i type, it makes me cringe.  Because by now, my tears have dried (although they are present in the constant lump in my throat, threatening to burst any moment) and i seem okay. But 6 hours ago, those thoughts above? Very much present. 

Which is crazy that as humans we can have so much emotional swing. I remember writing a text to a friend and being blown away by how much i sounded like David in the Psalms. Up and down and up and down. 

That's how the past year has been. 

Many, many deep lows and thankfully some decently high ups. Nothing really crazy up (besides a completely fabulous missions camp #junglecampshoutout) because it's hard to have a high up when there's a giant weight dragging you down...but the highs are getting higher and higher as i learn to adjust the weight and be aware of how to address it and cope with it. 

Putting all the highs and lows and in-betweens together, i am incredibly thankful for this past year. It has been such a blessing. As believers, we want to be refined. We say we do, but deep down, we really don't want to, but then way way deep down, at our core, in our Spirit...we do. We desire to be tested and shook and molded, because that's refinement. And refinement makes us more like Jesus. It makes us see our flesh with opened eyes, and then helps us see almighty grace with deeper appreciation.

Refinement has helped me communicate with dad. I have new eyes to see respect (and the lack of) towards him, and am learning to hold my tongue and grasp for patience in moments of extreme frustration. He has been wonderful to me. Flowers whenever a trip comes, notes when i am out late, learning praise songs with me, trying to sit and listen... All such ways i feel loved. Mom was a master at my love languages, but dad is learning and i deeply appreciate that. 

Love is becoming clearer to me. Love and abiding and the shortness of life. Put all those together and you have (what i have discovered) seems to be the key to our lives.  God's love and grace and mercy can make you almost breathless sometimes. The way that He pours it down on us absolutely incredible. Like today, in the midst of my sobs, i had the deep-seeded incline to read the Word...and so i open and the heading to Isaiah 57 reads "the godly shall rest in peace." Lord! You didn't have to give me that reminder! Wow. Thank you. That love is not to just be poured on us, but needs to flow through us. Needs to rush in and overcome us and build up stamina and energy as it pours out. Pours out into everyone in our lives. And we need to abide in that love. It is becoming a recurring thought to me to stop in the middle of life and busyness and chaos and just breathe. Abide, trust, soak, be. 

What He wants. For us to be still. To know that He is God. Why does knowing God bring us stillness of mind? Because of the rest of that beautiful verse..."I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." He's got it! He's got my heart, He's got the plan for all this figured out (from the beginning, He did), He's got His glory and His exaltation ready...

"He's got the whole world in His hands." 

A few days after Mom passed away, the family got together to pray and sing and share memories. We sang that song, very vividly in my mind. Added a few verses too..."He's got all the grandkids, He's got Dad, He's got Faith, etc" :) 

So simple, and so obvious, and so truthful, yet easily forgotten. 

We say we know He's good and He's got it, yet we worry day in and day out about all the stuff that He says don't worry about...like cars, and jobs, and kids, and money, and appearance. 

And death. 

I worry about Mom's death. I worry how i'm going to handle it in the years to come. When i am ready to leave for the mission field and she's not there to pray for me every single day, because she always wrote about how she did. If i get married and i have to go pick out a wedding dress and she's not there to brush my neck or my back and make a comment about 'all the skin', to which i would probably just roll my eyes to anyway. If i have babies, and she's not there at the hospital to take off their little socks and pour over their tiny toes like i've watched her do to all my other nieces and nephews. 

I worry about if i'm handling my grief right, if i'm processing all the stages, and talking to enough people, and reading enough books. 

That's when Psalm 46:10 comes in. 

"Be still and know that I am God." "Be still and know that your mom is heaven. That she is dancing and picking flowers and playing with kiddos (theology debate here maybe but it's nice thoughts so whatever). That she is going to live FOREVER and you can come live here with her too! And more importantly, live with Me! Be still and know that she is a bajillion katrillion mamillion times more full of joy and life than even on her best days on earth."

So be still and know. Trust. Abide. And...rejoice. 

Yes, rejoice. 

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks for this is the will of Christ Jesus in you."

One of the biggest fights i have is against thinking i need to find the perfect will of God. Like it's lost of something. 

No. No, i am not trying to find the will of God because it's definitely not lost. It's right here in 1 Thessalonians 5. To rejoice, pray, and give thanks. 

My mother was definitely doing the will of God for the 40+ years that she was a believer. She rejoiced, she laughed, she loved. She especially rejoiced when she realized that she was going to go be with Him. Dad recounts that when hearing her body was only going to last 3-4 more weeks, she fell back against the couch with a sigh of relief, because she was so tired of this life and so eagerly wanted to go to heaven. That was rejoicing! And praying, oh heavens yes. She prayed. I recently found a card from her a few years ago that reads, "i pray for you almost hourly." Amazing. Giving thanks was something that she did so regularly too. This especially comes out in times when dad or kids or grandkids would complain about something or rather, and even in serious times, she would still say, "At least such-and-such isn't happening!" or "Did you hear about so-and-so? Listen to what they're going through!" No complaining ever, it seemed. :) Which is perfectly fine! Great, in fact. I sense myself doing it ever so often myself now, and it makes me smile inside. Everyone says that you start to sound like your mother as you get older and i am hoping that's true.

And to end? Shortness of life, which i briefly mentioned above. But the concept is so vital to our lives, so i will bring it around to that again, if only for another reminder to myself this evening.
I seem to need that reminder every day. To daily, stop and whisper, "perspective" to my soul.  To remind myself that in 100 years, nothing here on this earth will matter. Truly nothing, besides our love for the Lord and our love for others. Our love for the Lord, because it changes our eternity, and our love for others, because it can impact theirs.
Life is but a mist. A tea kettle just came to mind...where it bubbles and heats and the water warms...and then a wee bit of steam escapes. The water is hot and glorious and can be apart of so many wonderful things ~ a hot cup of English Breakfast tea, perhaps hot chocolate, maybe you can even use the kettle to heat water for a recipe. But, the water will not always be hot. The heat will linger, then fade, then disappear all together. No matter how bad you don't want it to, it will. And experiencing death so up close and personal has made that much more clear than it ever was before.

I've never expanded on my blog title, simply because i don't have anyone to explain it to. These few entries can't seem to count as a blog it seems, and even if it did, i don't suspect anyone's really reading it. I use it more as a journal to highlight parts of my life to link together the work God is doing in my heart.  But as a reminder to myself, and in case anyone is reading after all, let us be extravagant.
Let us love fully and beautifully and abundantly. Let us not just do what is expected in life, but to go above and beyond in everything. Doing everything for the Lord. I will be the first to admit that i have great intentions with the previous sentence, but fail so painstakingly much when it comes down to it. It's sad, but it's true. And it's why i wake up some mornings, giddy on grace, because i remember that i'm going to fail at 'fully' living, but that Jesus came to help me with that concept...in fact, He came to give us life itself...and not just plain, boring, sinful, ugly life...but  abundant life. And then He died to give us eternal, abundant life.

Two words i am unbelievable grateful for tonight, because that means that i get to see my mama again. That means that we don't just get to celebrate mom being in heaven for a whole year today, we get to celebrate her being in heaven for eternity. For forever. 

Wow.

That deserves a smiley face.

:)