Fear & Faith.

On the night of June 7th, 2011 after my first day in my new apartment i wrote so casually:

"I just LOVE the future.  When I look into mine, I see white.  I don't see anything specific; everything's blank.  I can sort of envision some little snipets of people and events.....I see some sort of mixture of a handsome man and a cute little house; I see some African children running around playing soccer;  I see laughter and smiles and love;  I see a classroom with my feet propped up on a desk;  Late nights with the roomies gathered around our kitchen table sharing the wonders of God;  I see myself going on quiet walks down a path; Witnessing to a patient I'm serving;  I see myself administering medication, healing an injured body."

And today as i sit here, my future is still white. 

And i'm not as excited about it as i was 4 years ago. 

Because aren't you supposed to figure out life in 4 years? 

Even though i said it was blank back then, it was supposed to smooth out and become clear after a few years, right? 

Not get more fuzzy...

And as i sit here, my future is still white. 

And i'm terrified. 

I had a goofy feeling as i copy & pasted the above paragraph and couldn't pin down what feeling it was. 

Until now. 

I'm scared. 

I'm wide-eyed and crazy and just plain scared. 

And i'm typing that because the years (and being a Steidinger) have taught me that trying to mask true emotions don't do anybody good and you better be real with God and yourself because if you're not, you're going to lie and trick yourself into thinking everything is fine with God and your life and people when really everything is falling apart and all you need is the Word and someone to set you straight and a hug. 

Not to hide and pretend it's fine. 

So i'm not going to hide. And i'm not going to pretend everything's fine. 

I have so much sin. 

The Bible says don't be anxious and i am. 

I'm confessing and trusting that will help heal. 

I love my Jesus so much. 

So much that it hurts sometimes. 

But down past the love, 

I think there is some distrust. 

Like, do you really know what You're doing God? 

The past two years, it feels like i've been stripped of anything that i've ever had confidence in. 

I was going to be a nurse ever since i was little. Oh, but the dentist makes me pass out? Gashes and guts make me a little bit nauseous? The one career i wanted suddenly wasn't an option. And my mom. She's gone. She's in heaven and sometimes it feels like a chainsaw ripped through my chest and i'm just laying cut open and no one is taking me to the hospital. The one person that loved me unconditionally and just the right way and was always there. Gone. I had terrible skin growing up and finally in high school it subsided, but then a few months after mom died, i had the worst acne of my life. Multiple dermatologists and skin cremes didn't help, and i felt so ugly. It didn't prevent me going out and living life, but it sure stripped away any pride i had. Gone. I had a dream of owning a coffee shop and a business came along to help facilitate that, but it ended in a way that i never thought would happen. It hurt and i'm still fighting the bitterness of it, and it showed me the reality of business-owning and commitment and suddenly that dream faded real fast. I never wanted to get married, but the Lord is softening me and in my heart i pin down two boys that i felt like i could marry and oh? They like someone else? They're pursuing others? Just when i think the Lord is working, and He shuts it down? I went to Brazil and the hurt and the poverty and the Jesus-need was so harsh and real. And what made it hurt worse than seeing it? Knowing that it will never all be gone. Realizing that i won't be able to waltz in and fix everything and put band-aids on everything and waltz back out. We handed out Bibles, which seemed like a perfectly good thing, but it was so clear that that's not what Jesus wants. He wants commitment, relationships, bonding, teaching. So even the most spiritual thing that i thought i could do, ended in realizations that what i thought was missions wasn't it at all. 

I knelt on the office floor yesterday and the tears flowed. Lord, i want so badly to be Your hands and Your feet. But i don't know how. 

I held the Bible tight and whispered that i believed it so much, but my life isn't showing it. If i believe 100% that hell is real and Jesus' redemption is real, why am i sitting on Pinterest and dancing around having coffee with all my Christian friends and debating silly theology that will never have an answer? 

How can i have such a desire for missions but not be able to choose where to go? How can i have such a burden for some of my friends but still never sit down and share the Gospel? 

I cried and i shared my desires to go and do and i told Him that i wasn't enough. 

I told Him that i really couldn't do it and i'm awful and terrible and sinful but i'm still so redeemed and deep down i really really really want to be used and can He just use the Spirit? Can the Spirit just flood me and move me like Philip to the Ethiopian? 

God knew i had some trust issues with Him. I never thought i did, but as He's moving in my life, i can see that i had some. And He's dealing with them. I feel Him stripping away things and i say i can't understand why, but i do. 

It's because He wants to use me. It's because He's called us and chosen us, and we have to say yes. 

Jesus asked multiple people if they wanted to be healed. They had to declare what they wanted, they had to say yes. And after we say yes, He has to cleanse. Because a lot of us are like Peter. We are eager and we jump out and we cut the guy's ear off when that's really not what was supposed to happen. 

Exodus 4. 

God calls Moses. After a bit, Moses answers. 

He's on his way to Egypt, when BAM. 

Verse 24 says God met him and was about to kill him. 

Ummm...what? 

You think that's strange? This is stranger. 

His wife stepped in. She cut off her son's foreskin and touched Moses' feet with it.  

This past Sunday i was discussing this section with a few pastors a church and they said everyone had to be circumcised. It was the law. And before Jesus? You HAD to follow the law. Moses didn't, because his son wasn't circumcised until this moment. God stepped in and stopped Moses' mission because he wasn't pure. He had disobeyed and needed to fix it before continuing. 

My question was this..

Why did God wait? 

Why didn't He give Moses a list of his sins and bad habits and disobediences before he set out? 

I think God wanted to see if Moses was actually going to go. 

When he did, then God stepped in and began refining and shaping and changing after Moses said yes, I will go. 

This was comfort to my soul. 

I feel stripped. I feel terrified. I know i have no idea what the future holds, but i do know it probably won't look anything like i think it will. And as much as that scares me, i'm trying to let the excitement of the 18 year old me come back in. 

I'm nervous because i know He won't use us if we think we're something at all. He might use us later, but he'll strip us of that self-pride and self-preservation real fast. 

We have to be utterly broken and reliant and full of complete trust in His provision and in the Holy Spirit. 

I'm confessing i don't think i'm there yet, but i'm on my way. 

And that's exciting. 

Lord, continue to remove the fear and fill it with faith.  

Thirty-four.

Busy busy busy // go go go 

Time is ticking // we must not slow 

where did we hear this // how did we know 

to stay busy busy busy // and to go go go 

but the Lord says be still // he whispers to me 

in the midst of the chaos // when i'm down on the knee

the people are worth it // He wants me to know 

please stop with the busy // stop with the go 

i love writing when i want // i hate it when i don't 

and poetry? oh heavens // for sure i won't 

never understanding when to start a new line

like now? // is it time to rhyme? 

but sometimes the night, the quiet, the late

it gets me. i sit, pondering, feeling the words, the pictures, the stories...

they want out. 

they are trapped inside and i am longing 

for someone to know them, to hear them, to care

who? oh..does it matter? 

sometimes people don't have faces 

they are just feelings, emotions, and love

or anger and brokenness. 

and we are all wandering. 

searching, seeking for the humans around 

to linger a gaze, to talk with their eyes 

to hear with their hearts

to connect the gap. 

to bridge the soul. 

to bind the heart.

we long for the go and the busy to slow 

to sit and soak. 

each other, the mundo, the God

can we? will we? 

its why i love the above

the photos, the glimpses. 

taking me back to the time 

when i tried to be present, i tried to be real

but sometimes...we miss it 

and that is what they are for 

giving a chance, a second go 

to soak up the moments, be in the slow 

a psalm is lingering 

its in the heart, in the head 

the Lord is 

breathtaking 

personal 

real. 

He speaks so stern, so sweet, so frail...

am i present? 

do i hear? 

bless the Lord

a t  a l l  t i m e s  

His praise shall be upon my lips 

c o n t i n u a l l y 

my soul 

it makes its full boast 

i n  t h e  L o r d 

i sought Him....

He a n s w e r e d 

those who 

s e e k  t h e  L o r d 

lack 

n o  g o o d  t h i n g

come, my children,

 l i s t e n

for i will teach you the 

f e a r  o f  t h e  L o r d 

psalm34. 

oh magnify the Lord with me // let us exalt His name forever. 

Journeying On.

Upon arriving back home from an unforgettable time in Brazil, i set aside some prayer and fasting time with the Lord to seek His face and His plans for my next step in life..
I'm currently on day 4 of this little retreat. He's working on my heart, opening my mind, and revealing Himself more and more. I needed to process, so i turn to my 'online journal' for such things as this.
From the past 3 months, i am walking away with a few things anchored more deeply in my heart.
-The faithfulness of God no matter where we are. His character is unchanging, spanning time and location.
-The absolutely importance of my relationship with Him first and foremost. Coming in second is the relationships we are building with the lost, the ones needing Jesus, discipleship and love. These two relationships also have no relevance to location, age, or any other factor i used to think matters.
-Our gifts are given by God, and expected to be used for His glory. To not use them, not acknowledge them or not even know them is hindering the work we could be doing for the Gospel. It's like getting a coffee maker for a birthday present and then never opening it. You don't seem to care what it is or how it could bless others!
-He doesn't (really) care about what we do in life. Sure, He has places and plans specifically for us, and it's our job as believers to be listening to the Spirit's leading (and following Him!), but when it comes down to it, just obey the Word.

During the past few days, my Father has continued to anchor these truths more firmly into my soul. I need it. I believe God tests us in things that He has previously taught us (God left him to test him and to know everything that was in his heart--2 Chronicles 32:31) and my good Lord knows i'm not quite ready to be tested (in the last two especially). He is stretching these truths out and growing them in me.

I have this obsession with trying to figure out my life. I love adventure and i love new things and i love learning. So when all four of those things come together, it can get pretty ugly. Ugly because i can spend hours daydreaming about where i'll go next and how i'll serve and who i'll marry and what i'll go to school for and the places i'll see and the kids i will meet and the languages i'll learn...and on...and on...and on...
And that's not what Jesus said to do. In fact, it's the opposite because He said don't worry about your life and don't worry about tomorrow (one definition of worry from Webster's 1828 dictionary: to harass by pursuit and barking). I am harassing my future because i'm constantly looking at it, scheduling it, tearing it apart, planning it, re-planning it, and re-re-planning it.

I arrived to my home January 29th with nothing scheduled in my life past getting a hot shower that night and babysitting for two days in February (all my siblings were desperate for date nights, apparently). So, based on the above paragraph, you can see why i came home from Brazil and assigned myself one week to be with the Lord, to give Him opportunity to speak, and frankly, to tell me what to do with my life. Even though He is commanding me to not worry about tomorrow or my future, i needed to hear His voice, full of wisdom and direction. I wanted to hear His voice. I longed to hear Him more deeply, fully, and i am trying to grasp the truth that when we expect things of God, He loves to fulfill them. This seemed like a perfect time to bring my expectation and lay it at His throne of grace.
The direction He has been giving began on the first day with Luke 10.

..where a woman named Matha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Mather was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, Mather," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken from her." 

Martha started out well. She opened her home to Jesus. It says Martha specifically did, not Mary. Gold star for her! But then comes the distraction. She was so worried about getting stuff done (I'm assuming the meal--for Jesus!) that she dares to approach Jesus and tattle on her sister. Doing good things for Jesus distracted her...from Jesus. And how does He respond? By telling her she's missing out. 

God took this scripture and turned it into a mirror, staring me in the face. 

I want to do good things for Him. I really do! And i want to find out what exactly He wants me to do, so i can do it! But in my supposed anxiety to serve Him, to rescue orphans and to bring the Gospel to African tribes, am i brushing past God Himself? The God who created the world and every person in it? The God for whom i want to do all these things for? 

Waiting for a flight to the States, a marvelous woman plopped herself down next to me in the airport and for over an hour, we shared life. We talked about everything from homeschooling, to missionary life, to how she met her husband. And one thing she left me with after i poured out my heart was pretty much Luke 10, customized for my life. 

Don't let seeking His will distract you from seeking Him.

Oh dear sister, thank you. I hope someday i too can sit down next to dweeb-y little 20-somethings in foreign airports and pour out wisdom. May the Lord bless you. 

With the above thoughts fresh in my mind, i roll into Day 2 and 3 of this time with God and he hammers a few more things in. I'm reading the Bible and praying to know Him more, but i still have my list titled 'Options for Life' that i'm mulling over and praying about, reminding God that by the end of my seven days, i'm kind of expecting to know where to step next...

And the verse on my mirror reads, 

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and i will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." 

Yes, Lord! Yes, i am calling on you! I am praying to you! I am seeking you! 

And He says...You will find me! When you seek me with all your heart.

Me, it says. "You will find me."

Jeremiah isn't proclaiming to the people to find God's plan for their lives, He's proclaiming that we find God. And whoa! Don't i want that so much more??? Yes. Wow. I can find God. I can find God when i seek Him with my whole heart. I can know more about Him. His character, His purposes, His everything. 

I am attempting to read though some books in the Bible that i've subconsciously deemed less important, and they are stretching my mind and showing me more of the God that i serve. A lot of chapters i've read had a whole lot of killing and locusts and sin in them, so thank goodness for internet that helps my small brain grasp what is happening. But to wrap up, i'll end with some verses in Amos that need no explanation and remind me of the majesty of this unexplainable God that i am seeking.. 

"He who forms the mountains, creates the wind, and reveals his thoughts to man, he who turns dawn to darkness, and treads the high places of the earth---the Lord God Almighty is his name." 

and

"He who builds his lofty palace in the heavens and sets its foundation on the earth, who calls for the waters of the sea and pours them over the face of the land---the Lord God Almighty is his name."