Engagement is weird. I just wanted a space to write my thoughts & my sis reminded me of this blog so guess i'll put them here
1) Not having a mom during wedding planning is really hard. I just want to ask her what to put on my registry & how to word my invitations. I would give anything to have her tell me my wedding dress shows too much skin. Some days I just cry because I think I'm stressed but when I think through all my feelings, they end at 'I miss mom. Why can't she be here.' A lot of wedding planning isn't very fun but who do i ask to do the boring stuff when i don't have a mom. Moms are really the only ones that are supposed to do some of these things. Some days i feel like crumpling the whole day up & throwing it away because no ones here to stop me. Christmas was hard. I've been used to going back home and having her not be there, but I've never had to go home with a new fiance and have her not hug him and ask a million questions and laugh at his jokes. He has to sit and listen to stories about her and he's such a gem and talks about missing her without knowing her but....he's literally never going to know her. Ever. He's never going to meet this woman who carried me at 45 and who made the best sour cream cheese potatoes in the world and who wrote me notes about how much God loves me when I was being the most rebellious daughter. I'm glad for heaven. I can't wait until he gets to meet her and she can tell him what a nice boy he is and how she's so happy that he loved me so well.
2) I wasn't excited to get engaged. I wasn't excited to tell people. I literally left work the day afterwards because I was so nauseous. And i know that's weird and culturally crazy, but i just want to say it, so that if anyone else ever feels like that, they can know its okay. because it wasn't that i wasn't excited to marry tre. it was that i knew change was coming. i knew marriage was really great and happy but i also knew it was going to be full of hard decisions and sacrifice. i knew that i was going to be able to help tre pursue his dreams, but i also knew that i was going to have to give up some of mine. in the process of getting engaged, i was essentially dying to Faith in order for FaithandTre to flourish. i spent a long time being independent and free and doing whatever whenever and while i knew being in love was wonderful, i also knew there was going to be parts about being single that i would miss. and this isn't a bad thing. i'm very thankful. i am so happy i had so many years of reckless abandon to Jesus that i wouldn't trade for anything. i didn't sit around wanting to be in a relationship, i gloried in the fact that i had precious time filled with freedom to travel and move to Georgia and live in Colorado and brazil and have 4 coffee shop jobs and 14 roommates and time to love people and do ministry. single friends, go do these things. relationships and marriages will come in their own time, so don't sit and wish for them. and if they don't come, well, you will still have a full and happy life because contentment isn't about your relationship status.
3) it's here. the choice. the choice to keep walking down this engaged path & the choice to leave. being engaged is heavy. i'm trying really really hard to not get caught up in the wedding part (thanks to my dear mama, her words 'does she even know there's a marriage after the wedding?' ring in my ears) and focus on our relationship. and in doing that, there's a weight. a good one. one that the Bible says we are to have in big decisions. it's hard though, because every conflict or annoyance makes the thought flicker 'am i sure? for the rest of my life?'
Tonight i took my ring off. I sat and i looked at it. there was some tension between us. and we lacked emotion. we were just 'meh' towards each other. and it was so clear...this is what it feels like. this is why marriages grow cold. they stop going on dates, they stop having sex, they stop trying. it doesn't feel worth it. something in me is lacking & i don't care to find out what it is.
there's a choice.
i knew there was.
our pastor and his wife told us there was. for a couple hours last week, we talked about the choosing. and we smiled and held hands and nodded and said, yes we understand.
but this was the first night that i felt it.
and i'm glad. i needed to feel it. i needed to sit in the 'meh-ness' for awhile, and make the choice to put my ring back on, say a prayer for my future husband even when i wanted to stonewall him, and march back upstairs to start a conversation. just like i'm sure we'll both do a million times from not until we're 90. and we're probably not ready for it, but we'll keep nodding and smiling and saying we are. oh and in that prayer i said for him?
4) Tre, if you're reading this and it sounds like i don't like being engaged, well we already talked today about how you have the biggest chunk of my heart so get over it. ;) I can't wait to be your wife.
